Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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