I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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