No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
