Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
