I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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