I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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