just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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