So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
