This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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