I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
