He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
