My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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