i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm too high and old for this...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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