Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
