He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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