I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
