it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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