Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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