Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
