the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What a dumb baby whore.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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