I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Please, let me fuck your mom
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
