when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
