o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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