Tell her she can't have a vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
