im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
