Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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