I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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