If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
