She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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