Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
