I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's just like the Real World with babies
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
