omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
