I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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