Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
