I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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