Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
