Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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