What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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