He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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