Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
