I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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