I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
