so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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