Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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