Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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