hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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