I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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