Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
