Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize