nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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