Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
