Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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