I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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