Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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