i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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