the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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