she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
