if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
