I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
